Another exam that i messed up...
Another failure added to my profile...
Another thing that i can say i screwed up..
Another hope lost...
Another dream shattered...
Another day in my life...
Another memory which wont be forgotten but wont be cherished...

hmmm...
i seem to be an expert in messing up everything i do...
but look at the positive side...
at least i am BEST at one thing... just continually screwing up my life...

how does it feel to know that u have messed up ur life??

well it isnt actually a new feeling for me.. but i ll still try to describe it...
it is kinda shock nd takes hell lot of time to seep in..
first u keep denying it to urself..u keep repeating that its going to be fine.. but soon the barrier breaks.. and then comes a state of panic nd anger...u feel like crying..u feel like shouting..u just want to do something with the universe so it can feel as lousy as u do.. then slowly nd painfully this anger also subsides... u just feel as if u r walking dead..aloof..isolated...totally unaware of ur surroundings...but again even this stage doesnt last long..life has to move on.. even u start feeling like human again... u again start hoping... u again start imagining...u again start aspiring...u try to put ur failure in the back of ur mind coz u knw u ll never be able to erase it comepletely..but as soon as u start dreaming u never realize it that time but u have entered this vicious circle again..and this story gets repeated again and again and again...

well for me this circle itself is LIFE...or rather LIFE AS I KNOW IT......

Damn This LIFE

well again a bad incident happened..
today when i was walking back from college i stopped by the market to buy some regular stuff..
as i came out of the market a person n bike slowed his bike and passed a lewd comment and went away..
he was one of d local population called "GUJJAR"...
a local milkman...
and after this i didn't know what to do or what to say or what to expect..
i was alone and couldn't do anything except ignore the comment and pretend that it hadn't happened..
but the whole image has been haunting me from that time..
i couldn't sleep..
the incident keeps popping up in my head..
though it isn't fr the first time that such a thing has happened but i was stuck with the gravity of situation today..
i couldn't have done anything even if the person had tried to do anything more drastic..
i don't know what t do about it even now..
and the irony of the situation was that here i was- a would be engineer.. a cat aspirant.. with dreams in eyes to change the world..
and yet so helpless...

striving to change the reality

A BEGGAR WITH DREAMS...
that is what i m right now...
a person always asking for something..
wishing for more..
wishing for what i don't have..
trying t get what i cant have...
still keep desiring, dreaming and asking...
but writting this and accepting this as a fact feels good..
it gives the encouragement to change..
i don't want to be d beggar...
not now..
and not in future..
it gives me d strength to work even when i m tired..
my friends think i m going nuts..
but i m just trying to change the reality..
i don't want to hold the begging bowl any longer..
i just want to stand up..
and stop asking...

normally abnormal or abnormally normal...

i don't know for how long people have called me weird..
i dnt even remember who was the first person to call me "WEIRD" or "ABNORMAL"..
this branding is a part f society i guess..
but u know what..
now i like it..
i like my tag of being weird, being abnormal..
if being normal means just being the part of crowd and accepting things without questioning then i m happy being curiously weird..
if being normal means just being stuck in mundane rutt then i m happy being the rebel who tries to do things in a different way..
who judges whether a person is normal or weird..
its just a relative thing..
slight deviation from normal is termed as weird by people..
if u wud rather read books than go shopping u r weird..
if u wud rather find meaningful work than run after money again u r weird..

so stop caring whether people find u crazy or not..
whether u r called weird or normal..
just do what ur heart says..
becoz it is a relative rating..
and that is dumb...

just a quote

Ever morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.
When the sun comes up, you better start running.

- an extract from THE WORLD IS FLAT BY THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN.....
awesome lines..

song

The Call (Regina Spektor)

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger ans stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye



i have been listening to only this song for the past three days and it seems that each word of the song seems to convey something new to me each time it plays...
it shows the frivolousness of the world somehow to me...
everything starts in such a small way but the grows into a big thing and soon shatters again..
and we are just left waiting....
waiting and wanting are just two things we normally do in entire lifetime...
just always waiting and wanting more...

Random Thoughts Again

hmmm..
i dont know what to title this blog...
for the first time i am not copy pasting a thing that i had already written but m letting my feelings flow on this page right now...
well the randomness in my life is now making me think..
i m not able to focus on anything in particular right now..
there is so much to do.. a never ending list of chores.. a never ending of things that i have to study..
a never ending list of questions to be tried.. a never ending list of answers to be found..
but the sole purpose of my life is not being fulfilled-- my only and ultimate aim to keep people around me happy is not working out..
there is always someone or something that keeps pushing my goal further away..
there is always some expectations not met... there is always some problem that i unknowingly cause..
it feels so bad( for want of a better word)
i feel like a looser..
everyone expects me to do well .. everyone expects me to be d best..
but i crush these hopes daily... i dont do well.. i am not even able to do 1% of what is expected out of me...
but i let them hope..
i let them put their expectations in me...
i let them dream...
and then i crush them..
shatter them to the core...
but i dont do it deliberately...
this is the only thought that provides me some solace ..
but now i feel maybe it is my fault..
i m fed up of lying to myself..
it is my fault..
everything is my fault...
i accept but do nothing to change it...

Hmmmm...

I pick up my pen
And stare at the paper
No words come to me to express what I fee
Strange, I find it
Words- that have been my friend forever are no longer there
Words- that u have always played with for my advantage are eluding me now
It seems that like everything else words have also deserted me
I don’t know how to pen down what i want to say
How to express the dull ache that seems to be a part of me
I feel as if I live in a bubble which no one can penetrate
Am there amidst everyone but yet am not actually there
I want everyone to leave me alone
But when that happens I feel a void in y heart
An emptiness that cannot be filled
But when everyone is around me
I feel suffocated
So much that it feels as if someone has a put a pillow over my face and is trying to strangle me
Yet again here I am writing my thoughts down
But even that I feel has stopped helping
Just keeping sane has become a full day job for me
Just trying to navigate myself through the darkness that engulfs me takes all my time
I just HOPE-
The only thing that I have left- HOPE-
Hope that there is some light at the end of the dark tunnel I am in
Just HOPE is all I have right now….

A VOICE IN MY HEAD.......

“WHO ARE YOU?”, I hear a voice say
I look around but there is no one
I hear a mocking laugh and the voice again rings out
“WHO ARE YOU?”
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
“WHY ARE YOU DOING SO?”
Perplexed I jump up and look around
I see no one
There is again a short sarcastic laugh
The voice repeats its questions
I m scared now but there is no one around
I shout,” WHO ARE YOU??? SHOW YOURSELF”
I hear a soft amused laugh
The voice says, “I am you. You wont find me anywhere else. I am a part of you….”
I put it as a lack of sleep and excess of novels
Just try to run away—busy myself in other things
As I succeed the voice becomes just a hum in the background..
A sound which can be neglected but is still present
Days past by the humming though at low volume still continues
I dread the day when I will again face the voice
But the voice still continues to haunt me
Subconsciously I start looking for answers
But none are to be found
I am getting desperate now but the answers are nowhere to be found..
I am trying to figure out my life as the humming still continues……..

A part in me...

I finally realised…
A part in me is DEAD..
The part that knew how to LOVE…..
The part that knew how to CARE…..
The part that knew how to TRUST….
I don’t know for how long has it gone…
I just noticed its absence………………
I feel no pain,
I have no regrets,
Just a Cold-Bloodied emptiness is all I can decipher…
This emptiness makes me indifferent,
This emptiness makes me isolated,
This emptiness makes me everything but SAD…

I don’t now how & when I became so isolated that I lost touch with everyone including myself…

I talk to everyone as if nothing has changed,
But
that warmth in me has somewhere gone,
that twinkle in my eye is no longer there,
that love in my heart is now lost…

Everyone thinks I am focussed on my goals and that is they say what isolates me from everyone..
But they donot realise the focus and energy on goals is just there so that I don’t pay attention to what is dead in me..
I don’t know what I am doing,
I don’t know why I am doing,
Its just the only escape I have left….

A BIRD IN HAND BETTER THAN TWO IN THE BUSH????????

Well everyone says that a thing you already have is much better than one which you see and are attracted towards.
But I tend to disagree. My basic philosophy of life contradicts this statement all together. I always believe that THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING BETTER..ALWAYS….
and I believe in searching for that something better. Though it might sound strange and greedy to most of the people but still I don’t think that it is greedy or even strange. Its just about having dreams. DREAMZZ… The word that is the basis of my existence. The word that signifies who I am and what I am.
Yes I am a DREAMER. A person who dares to imagine. A person who believes in being creative. A person who with each breath thinks of something new. A person who lives in a world of his own. A person who is always on a quest- quest for something new , something better- a quest of destiny. This strange urge to explore, to create, to imagine, to seek is a thing that propels me further in life.
So now you tell me is life just being happy with what u have or is it the search for something more??
I think a person who said that a bird in hand is better than two in bush must be pretty tired of trying or rather even scared to try something new. So as in case of sour grapes he said that its better to have a bird in hand is better than two in bush or it might even be that the person had got two birds in the bush but didn’t want anyone else to get the same so he coined the phrase. But till the time you haven’t even got the two birds how can you say that the one in hand is better???
Why are people so afraid to try n loose that they prefer not to try at all?
Why is everyone so afraid to imagine??
Why doesn’t anyone try to dream—DREAM BIG??
Why don’t most people realize that whatever they have there is always a better option available somewhere else??
WHHYYYYY???

Don’t know what

Lost, Confused, Irritated, Annoyed, Agitated, Frustrated, Depressed, Aggravated etc etc
Don’t know what I m seeking
But m on a quest
Don’t know where it will end
But am not looking for a short cut
Don’t know what to expect
But am hoping for the best
Don’t know where it would take me
But am waiting for the journey to end soon
Have lost too much in this journey.. this so called quest…
I seem to have lost myself somewhere in this journey of so called self discovery..
I seem to have changed.. things have changed people have changed.. maybe reluctantly I have changed too.. but a price has been paid or is being paid for this reluctance..
I feel marooned on a deserted island with no one to talk to, no one to trust..
Just left alone behind trying to tag along but m failing miserably in doing so..
No one feels so right now but I in my heart know that this is all an illusion..
An illusion to keep people around me happy though they might be hurting me bad..
I have reached a crossroads where I in any direction I go I will end up hurting myself or hurting others..
If I change myself I fall in my own eyes
If I don’t then I end up hurting myself ..
I try to choose the option where I hurt others least but this pain that I m feeling is now killing me..
It is making me want to choose the other option but in doing so also I hurt myself by changing myself..
This is not right my heart tells me but what is right no one tells me that..
Its like a doc saying u have this disease which has no cure.. it wont kill u but u gotta live with the pain..
Don’t know what to do..
Trying to figure out but am failing in doing so too…

LIFE's BATTLE-- UPTU-the face of terror...

My sixth tryst with UPTU happened today.
Well all those lucky people who don’t know what UPTU actually is let me tell u
U : UTTERLY
P : PATHETIC
T : TECHNICAL
U : UNIVERSITY..
I m a UPTU victim meaning I m a student of this university and had my sixth semester first exam yesterday..
This means I have already faced UPTU monster 25 times and today was 26th time..
Well I started my blog yesterday to just get some frustration of exams, staying away from home etc etc out of me and here my second blog to just vent it all out..Today I wanna shout, scream & laugh like a maniac .. maybe cry out loud, sob, jump off the balcony..or run like an insane person, jump up and down…just don’t what to do to take it all out.. so remembered my promise to myself that I will write to vent out..
So here I am..
What I m feeling today is just a mixture of too many emotions that I can’t even try to define them..
U know its like sometimes u make a fool of yourself when u really wanna make a good impression but in the end screw up..
The same is something I feel.. embarrassed, irritated, agitated, frustrated, annoyed, maybe even angry but I m just finding it too funny to be sad about it.. I mean when I submitted my answer sheet and when I look around the look on everyone elses face-- it was too hilarious.. I forgot all my tensions, lousy feelings, self pity etc etc that very instance and started laughing like a maniac. And all my classmates glared at me as if was some kind of disgusting worm or something like that.. but you know what their reaction made me laugh even more..
It just brought out an irony of life to perspective..
We always fail to see the lighter side of the whole situation coz we r always worried about the consequence..
WHY can’t we just be happy way things are for once drop our cautions and just
“LET IT BE”.. CHILL…
Stop worrying and start enjoying..
I feel that most of us forgotten to find happiness in the feel of those few raindrops on your face or the smell of earth when it rains after hot days or even the breeze when I touches you as if caressing you. We no longer feel happy on seeing the first rays of sunshine coming inside the room just peeping from behind the curtains, or even on seeing small dainty butterfly fluttering on a beautiful rose..
We would rather think of the traffic jams the rain will cause or the meetings that we have scheduled during the day when we see the sunshine, a butterfly fluttering just reminds us to close the window so that such bugs cannot get inside the house..
What have we become ???????????????
WHY are we growing to be such cynical people.. Forgetting to enjoy the small pleasures of life to make way for something that we believe to be better… but r these so called better things actually making our life better or is it just an illusion.????????????
P.S: Plzz anyone who can figure all this out just provide me with the answers too….

A Tribute to GODS Weirdest Creation- INDIAN MOM

Well the recipe of an Indian mom is pretty simple. Ingredients include major portions of love, scoldings, cooking, best wishes and melodrama. Add to all these a hint of vampish behaviour ( my due regards to Ekta Kapoor for introducing this element) then a spoonful of snide remarks, a dash of fear, and beatings to taste. Mix well together and let it ferment to become a mixture which you can’t really stand but can’t really do without.

Alas, you have an Indian mom-
A person who might just say that the worst decision she made was that of marrying your father because she got you as a result of that decision but at the same time she will cry if you are just sick even for one day and say that you some unbearable pain.
She is a person who might just compare you to Mrs. Sharma's kid who is topping the school and scold you for not doing the same and for playing all the time, while in your absence boast about your sports talent to her friends and family.
A mixture of opposites- a series of contradiction.
She might just bring you most famous Hindi filmy KHEER when you are locked up in prison i.e. if u have the guts to tell her that you actually are locked up- beware of the result because before making Kheer she might just strangle you.
Indian mom is typically a very filmy person thanks to BOLLYWOOD which either shows moms as docile vulnerable creatures whose life just revolves around their kids and can even kill themselves to save their kids or as cruel and heartless when they come with a tag of being a step mom.
She will sometimes be overly melodramatic sometimes and may even fake a heart attack or pretend to faint when u give her a nasty shock which in the hearts of hearts she was expecting (like saying you have this girl you want to marry or tell her that you are in a live in relation—
P.S: Don’t blame me for consequences after doing all these things- you might just be murdered by your mom in the name of family pride)
and sometimes when you a almost hysterical she will provide you with calm composed strength that will even shock you..
She will always threaten to complain to your dad of your misbehaviour but when you demand for a thing she will even quarrel with your dad on your behalf-- confusing uuhhh...
Traditionally she will criticise every choice you will make from clothes, to job, to the beverage you drink, to your friend circle, to the life partner you choose- actually I think its a pre- requisite of becoming a parent- you have to pass a test of being irritating enough
and should be able nag enough- if u fail in this test then you still have a lot to learn a lot about parenting--and once you get this licence you have to really maintain your standards. Yaaa cuming back to the topic mom will always find a fault in everything you do. If you will buy sumthing for her then also it will either be too expensive or too cheap, or maybe out of date, or too jazzy for her, or it will make her look ancient etc etc. This sums to say she won’t even like what u shop for her or for yourself. And if you don’t bring her gifts then you are the miser who doesn’t even value the sacrifices she made while bringing you up and if you don’t shop for yourself then you are burdening her with so much work and are not sharing her responsibilities.
She will be the person who will give you so much of attention and try to please you in every possible way when you see her after maybe 2-3 weeks but within 2 days all that enthusiasm will vanish and she will be the person calling you a lazy sloth when you just try to sleep in for another 5 mins when she is trying to wake you up..
Well moms are almost impossible to please and even if you somehow manage this mighty task then she won’t ever show you that she is pleased.. It will always be a neighbourhood aunty telling you how pleased your mom is of your accomplishment.


But moms are the sweetest creatures in any case. Just imagine your hostle bag emptied of all those delicious eatables- cakes, biscuits, snacks, chips, LADOOS, and yes achar etc etc. Or of the things you will always forget to keep if you pack yourself and the surplus items she forces you to always carry with you..
Can you even imagine that..
She is always worried that something might go wrong even if everything is going right.. a person who will think about you more than you would think about yourself.. a person whose life would revolve around her kids as if she had no life before having kids..
Thats the sweetest nature of an Indian mom.. she will care for u, love you, scold you, bear with you, beat you( sometimes) and moreover show you the mirror whenever you need it.
She will be the only person who will believe in your abilities even when you yourself are not sure but wont skip a beat and scold you when you start getting to big for your boots.

Any Indian kid would tell you what a series of contradiction or mixture of opposites or confused souls are moms...
Rather probably it’s not the moms who are confused maybe it’s just us kids who are screwed up.


P.S.: Really missing you mom and dying for that taste of Rajma-Chawal and pranthas you make.. and even missing your funny and supposed to be evil comments...